“What would happen if we trusted ourselves to do the work?”
During some of my toughest moments this past year, I have been blessed with the guidance of an immensely wise and creatively unapologetic mentor.
Car windows rolled down on a Friday night, the wind whips my mess of curls against a previously tear stained-face- the results of a particularly hard studio class. Garage punk absolutely blasting to the max, the Giver to my dystopian-novel-trapped Jonas drives us down empty country roads in a main character way that would make Lois Lowry proud.
“I can feel it Hannah. You are at the brink of metamorphosis. Trust me when I say you will either get to a point in your performing arts journey where you get beaten down enough times or angry enough to decide to break free and extend your butterfly wings in this world. And I can assure you, you are going to be one boldly colorful butterfly.”
It was thus a no-brainer determining who to call when I started facing some work/life balance issues in my musical journey this summer.
So, here is an interview dedicated to all of the other performing artists who might be feeling more like caterpillars this summer instead of butterflies- I am here with you.
(Unless you are like my sister and have lepidopterophobia (a fear of butterflies), then oops… please read anyway, just scroll past the next GIF).
Q: How did you end up in the performing arts world? Were you drawn to the performing arts for improved wellness, such as by having an emotional outlet? Or, would you say your decision to become a performing artist has led to more wellness challenges?
Them: I think that a lot of people who wind up in the arts start treating art for the therapy of it, and then learn that is only the tip of the iceberg
For me, that was more clear that poetry was always clearly my therapy outlet. Then I had a conversation with a professor here who read some of my work. He said some poems you write for therapy, and those aren’t for other people, and other poems you write will be your body of work. Though what you write for therapy can inform your work. So I started thinking about that with my instrument as well. For so long you use it as an escape and an outlet, but everything else going on makes it difficult to do the work you do.
At the beginning of undergraduate studies, my instrument was my fun outlet. I was passionate about it, it was fun, people told me I was good at it. Poetry was my therapy outlet. But by the end of my undergrad, it was no, these are the things I do, and with my work and therapy I have learned to separate between the two.
I wish someone had talked to me about this sooner, when I was 18 years old.
Hannah: So you would say with playing your instrument, there is a time where it is therapeutic, and then there is a time where this is not my outlet and can’t be my outlet, this is my work.
Q: What advice would you give to those considering therapy? Do you think there are certain therapy practices that work better for performing artists specifically?
Them: If you are considering therapy, that is your gut telling you that you need to go to therapy.
I have been in and out of therapy for a long time. I was in therapy when I was really young, when I didn’t really know how to be in therapy. Then I took a long break from it, before going back to it on and off in high school… then I started real therapy sophomore year of college, which was life saving. I couldn’t have imagined going through the next three years without it. So yes, go to therapy, if you think you want to go, go.
As a performing artist, finding someone… the therapist I talk to is an artist herself, and though she is not a musician, she understands the demands of work in the arts. We can have conversations about that.
I think finding a therapist with a bit of a background in some form of art is better than none. But also finding a therapist where you can be truly open about everything with them is a big thing.
I don’t necessarily talk about performing arts with my therapists, but I have talked about coping mechanisms as an artist. To be quite candid, which I realized was quite important, was that I could never talk to my previous therapists about anything sexual or my romantic relationships…. which was where many problems arose. Finding a therapist to be open about that was very helpful.
If you go to therapy be ready to be honest and be ready to admit things to yourself that you might not be willing to admit.
Q: What would you recommend to an artist struggling with performance anxiety?
Them: I would recommend performing for your friends that aren’t artists first. Create a little bit of a program for yourself and follow your gut feeling.
For a long time, my performance anxiety stemmed from the feeling of being underprepared and inadequate at what I do. So, I decided that I’m going to tackle that source to see if it is the actual source! Forcing myself to not use coping mechanisms, and to sit down and do that work and say I’m going to be prepared for this audition, for this studio class performance, etc.
Beta blockers under guided professional use did help a little bit. I found for myself at least though that that process was more important. Take time to talk to yourself about why you are so anxious and what makes you anxious is the first place to start before jumping into medications. Don’t start self medicating
It is important for performing artists to realize that Beta blockers will only cancel out the physical effects of mental anxiety. Marijuana only masks the symptoms. If you are going to use those things, be aware of what it will do to you. Be aware too, that you will still find yourself being nervous, you will still mess things up. If you are using a medication, try it beforehand in a lower stakes performance, like a studio class… maybe not a lesson *laughs*. Do a performance party, create a facebook event, book out a hall late on some random Saturday, and play your rep. invite the people who scare you the most that you don’t normally hang out with. Invite those you might chat with on occasion, but who intimidate you. You can often be surprised at how kind and supportive you will find those people to be, and how free you will feel after.
Q: I know that so many people will try to self medicate, or that there is this kind of black market for beta blockers, where people are passing them around. I have seen that even in high school music festivals. So what is your opinion on that, if those under the table decisions continue.
Them: I grew up in a situation where I saw someone take a lot of mental health medications for a lot of different reasons… depression, anxiety, and even for some disorders they were not properly diagnosed with. They were never self medicating, but I saw what happens to them after a long period of time and a constant changing of medications.
I have also seen what happens to my friends, when they self medicate with weed in particular, or alcohol. I think the biggest thing to remember is that nothing is ever going to change or fix the root mentally of your problem with performance anxiety. If you aren’t ready to have that talk with yourself yet, and think maybe this is where you are leaning and why…
Another thing is that you should never take someone else’s dose of something. A beta blocker does physically lower your heart rate. I have low blood pressure and I am sure a lot of other musicians are as well. You should not be taking another’s medication that lowers your heart rate because it can end up being really dangerous.
Point blank, if you are self medicating and you are really not ready to talk to yourself or have honest conversations with yourself about your feelings, because you feel like a failure, having shame, or guilt, or anxiety about performance, you aren’t ready. You need to be ready to sit down with yourself, hold your own hand, and truly realize that all of these things are just aids.
I think people think medicine will fix all their problems… if they take a pill it will make things better. With mental health problems you are usually never given just medication- it is always medication and therapy or medication and something else. It is really a part time job taking care of yourself, making time to go to therapy among your busy college schedule when you really aren’t in the mood to be doing that at 6:00 pm on a Friday evening.
Being aware that those medications are prescribed usually in tandem with something else, that they do affect your body, and it is not just a cure all for your problems.
Q: How do you think performing artists should be prioritizing within their work/life balance?
Them: You have got to remember at the end of the day, you came to school to play your instrument. No matter the external pressures that come your way, you have to remember that is what you came here to do.
I’m not superhuman…. I’m reading a book about sleep right now which I think everyone in SMTD should be assigned to read. We don’t sleep enough… we caffeinate… we say it is fine… but I was averaging 5 hours of sleep the last semester and now I feel dead *laughs*.
You come here to perform, you are excited, then have a bad experience with a colleague, a professor. They make you feel like you are not enough even when you are working really hard. You then start to maybe start to pile on work in other areas you feel good at, to make yourself feel like hey, you are talented at something….
But, what would have happened if we trusted ourselves to do the work?
At the end of the day, you need to take care of yourself. My body will exist when this period of time is done. There is no point in working myself to death if there is no body to do that anymore. If my physical body is done, how am I going to write, how am I going to teach, how am I going to play my instrument. Your body is permanent. College can feel like forever when you are there, but it is just a period that does not last forever. I wish I had reminded myself that more.
Practicing is your homework- think of that especially if you came from a very academic highschool like I did.
Prioritize practicing more efficiently. Get your technique down.
Keep that in mind when you add classes on, or commit to things outside of the music school.
If you know you need time on Saturday evenings to practice, don’t overextend yourself emotionally. Because if they are your real friends, they will be waiting for you. Missing out on parties honestly isn’t that big of a deal. Your friends will be there to celebrate when you have those accomplishments and successes. When you aren’t just partying to procrastinate the work.
Your body will be there too, if you take care of it.
Hannah: I have really come to terms with this sentiment during the pandemic- that my body will exist when this period of time is done. I need to allow my physical body to be in decent shape so that when this period of pandemic is truly over, I can still thrive. I have changed my behaviors a lot in this past year, battling my fruitless decisions through therapy, doctor’s visits, and seeing a nutritionist. My body was, frankly, NOT having a good time. I felt guilty or lazy if I did not get everything done on my to-do list. So I would rob myself of sleep, filling the late night hours with too much caffeine, my exhausted body plopped in front of my glowing computer screen. I did not know how to validate myself. I felt that I was never doing enough, especially if I was not audibly receiving that validation from professors or colleagues. Then, even as I slowly turned into a zombie, moving in slow motion through the music school hallways, I was not eating enough. On a standard western diet, the brain gets a majority of its energy through carbohydrates, in the form of glucose. Now both bread and my bed were enemies. I was making myself as brainless as the Scarecrow in the Wizard of Oz- before he met the Wizard.
Obviously, I couldn’t last much longer in that state of mind or body before the burnout smacked me right in the face. Yet, miraculously- I mean, who would have guessed it- once I started sleeping and eating more, I had more energy to get my work done. I actually didn’t have to stay up as late, because I started taking care of my body enough to focus better. If this isn’t clear enough, I will articulate it again. Please don’t burn the candle at both ends- it will not make you a better performing artist. Which leads to my next question…
Q: Do you think most performing artists inevitably have to sacrifice a part of their mental health for their art?
Them: I think it feels like that sometimes when you are doing the work. Like when I’m in there in the practice room, I feel like a vegetable sometimes. You get in these cycles of criticism and feel like, oh my god.
This has applied to other areas of my life too. With cooking, I don’t have to be the world’s best cook, even if I have a couple of friends who are really good at it. I just have to feed myself.
Do I have to sacrifice my mental health to write good poetry? No I don’t. Stephen King used to think he needed their alcoholism to write well, then he got sober and was like, wow, this made me a better writer, I think more rationally.
I have a friend who is in the process of quitting marijuana and he is a few weeks into his goal and he feels like wow, I’m thinking more rationally. They say you can’t get addicted to weed- but you can get addicted to how it makes you feel. I don’t have a problem with recreational use, sometimes I do like to go a little crazy when I have a night off… but you don’t need your mental illness for your art.
It is like, you will never actually know how sleep deprived you are when you are tired, how anxious you are when you are anxious, how depressed you are when you’re depressed.
Being a good artist is about being present in your life so that you can observe the things that create good art. Creating good art is not about having a genius moment or being a “tortured artist”, it is about having an experience where you felt something, and then you felt compelled to create something. It is about the impression of a feeling, the recreation of a moment, the creation of a feeling.
Good art comes from being present, and you can’t be present if your mental health is lacking. You will get consumed with your mental health, create a ton of art about your depression, and frankly no one cares about your feelings, they just want to consume your art. They don’t want to feel YOUR feelings, they want to feel something objective, that is universal.
Q: What do you believe are the biggest mental health challenges a performing artist faces on a day to day basis?
Them: Imposter syndrome. Not feeling good enough. Anxiety about the future. I mean, you can’t just do one thing anymore in the arts. You want to be a great performer, but you want to know about recording, audio editing, video editing. Everyone wants you to be able to build a website, to have your social medias as professional as possible
Mentally that is so taxing, to have to legitimize yourself in ways people in other degrees don’t. I’m out here trying to take headshots every 4 months to update my socials, put myself out there, and I have friends in engineering who don’t even own a professional looking suit *laughs*.
Overcompensating for all of that too. People keep saying how are you gonna make that work, how are you gonna live? It makes you feel like you need to be constantly working. Practicing, getting a part-time job… there is no concept of I get up, I go to class, I practice, I go home, I sleep…
I think there are a lot of other identities that go into that too. Overworking work ethic. I feel as though people who fall into more marginalized groups tend to feel that. I feel like women think they have to overwork, more so than men, from my experiences and hearing from my friends at school. Understanding what parts of you are getting activated into feeling inadequate, feeling anxious, feeling like i’m so smart, I could’ve done anything, why did I do this? Remind yourself of why you chose to do that thing.
Hannah: This really all makes a lot of sense. Many performing artists don’t necessarily come from an arts family or an arts school. I came from a STEM high school. I started lessons late- my private viola lesson journey began in the 8th grade. People will talk, this isn’t new information. If you are talented in other areas, like math, science, physics, etc., many will wonder why you are choosing the arts. I have had people, such as old high school teachers, tell me in the past that it would be a shame if I “wasted my brain.” You never are. You are using your brain most wisely and extensively by choosing what YOU are most passionate about. There are many, many different areas of intelligence, and the performing arts are so challenging in the most unique ways. Don’t allow other people to push you into questioning yourself. Trust your decisions. Remember and remind yourself constantly why you made the beautiful choice to pursue the performing arts. I promise you, it is more challenging to spend your life doing something you aren’t passionate about, than to answer people’s questions of how you will make things work. Besides, since when was choosing the performing arts an open invite to question our life decisions? Stick to the path you were and are excited about taking, unbeaten or not.
Q: When it comes to relationships with colleagues or college professors, what do you advise when you have a tough relationship in the performing arts world?
Them: First thing is first, don’t sh*t where you eat- I don’t know how PC this has to be *laughs*.
But seriously. I made the mistake of having intrapersonal relationships with people I continued to see every day. At the time that wasn’t very mentally healthy for me- it made the places I needed to go to do my work toxic places. The place you go to do your work needs to be a safe place. If engaging with someone has the potential to make a place not a safe space, maybe don’t engage with that person, even with external pressures. Like even if they are messaging you, you don’t have to give in to them, and you are allowed to talk to someone about it. No one should feel their place of artistic work is a place where they don’t belong. That goes for the really talented people. It can feel intimidating if you don’t feel so great and then you walk down that practice hall hearing someone absolutely shredding, sounding amazing…. *laughs*.
I came in where I was at. I promise to meet myself where I am at. That is how I combat my feelings if I fear colleagues are judging me or vibing me out for no reason. You are in your lane, they are in theirs. At the end of the day, no one ever knows if they can really make something work. Everyone is going to try the best they can right now.
Give yourself permission to leave school, AT school. I think some people think in the performing arts that their teacher, who is supposed to be their number one advisor, they get jealous if they hear another student is closer, inside or outside of school… but if your relationship with your professor is not as great, that’s okay. You can’t expect to be best friends with your roommate, you can’t expect to be friends with your professor. It is okay to leave that relationship at school.
It is a professional relationship, even though many professors break that gap from the professional into the personal. You can set that boundary for yourself. You don’t have to overextend yourself for them. If your lesson is like your 5:00 pm, and you want to just go home to decompress after that, you do what is best for you. Your only obligation you actually have to them is to do the work for your lessons. At the end of the day, overextending yourself to create a better relationship with your professor is not going to change the quality of your lessons… I know that from personal experience.
Q: Do you think there is a mental health conflict between performing how you want to and what a colleague or professor might say is better? Do you believe a problem performing artists face is constriction from academia in the arts world?
Them: I think that can be true in some cases. My independent poetry professor and I were talking about a professor I had in the past who would tell students how to write their poems based on his own aesthetic preferences. My independent professor said he could point out technical things, like if it is a sonnet and I missed a couple of syllables, but in terms of the content, when decisions are made with certain punctuation, we would have a conversation and that was the end of the story. It can be much harder than that in the music world, because we are often not playing original work, we are playing someone else’s work.
A performer has that moment of, where do I insert myself into this cycle of performance? It is like, if you were to recite really old poems, it is similar, you’re performing historical works essentially. There are a lot of interpretations, a lot of ideas. What will make you really stand out is when you immerse yourself in all of it, when you study all of it. When you can say, hey, I like it loud here rather than soft, or accent this note even if it is not accented because it feels right.
Hannah: So you accept your place within that conflict.
Them: Everyone has musical intuition – it is why you are in music school. Immersing yourself in all of the other interpretations is what I find the most successful performers do. I feel those who are the most authentic performing allow the markings to speak for themselves. Everyone has their own distinct style when they play. Finding your own style, whether it is through tone quality, or like when you find your voice in writing, or when someone is practicing and you can just tell yep, that is them… If you are an energetic person, play repertoire that matches your energy, let your rep catch your vibe. Don’t force yourself to play too much music that doesn’t fit your vibe. I was pretty angry last year so I played a lot of Hindemith. No one is going to argue if you put a little love into one or more notes, or put a little soul into it. Play out even if you are afraid of sounding bad, because you can always tone it back
Hannah: I think a lot of performing artists have experienced burnout at least once in their life, and for many- students especially- that burnout was exceedingly difficult during the COVID-19 pandemic.
Q: What are your thoughts on taking breaks or days off? Starting from breaks during rehearsal or individual practice, how do you suggest we use break time? Then, as for a performing arts hiatus that lasts at least a few days, do you believe they are more helpful, or hindersome? Are they important to take days off, and how do you think we should be spending that time to recharge?
Them: I structure all of my practice sessions with 15 minutes of practice and a 10 minute break. In the ten minutes, I put my instrument down, I take a walk, read a book, journal, sit outside… especially if I have a lot of intrusive thoughts. Put it down, get away, come back to it. It also helps you practice a little longer. If you need to block your practice out, like if you have a block of four hours at once, you can adjust the blocks. Play, 40 minutes and break for 20.
You are doing something physical. I think of my practice sessions as workouts. In workouts I have my warmups, my sets, my rests, my cooldowns… I really haven’t been injured in college. Stretching on your break is very very important. I think everyone should do one type of yoga course or weight training program during their early performing arts career to learn about mind muscle connection and identify pain before it starts. Plus, to help you know what to do on breaks.
I always keep a lacrosse ball in my practice bag, or keep a foam roller. I wear shoes that are supportive to practice in. Buy a foam roller! Buy a foam roller- it will really help- especially during opera! *laughs* Some people really like ice packs, find what works for you.
I always did 18 credits every semester and multiple part time jobs… I took a day off every Sunday. I needed time to grocery shop, to do laundry, and to cook meals. I needed a day to sleep in, and I needed a guilt free day, where you aren’t going to practice every day and not beat yourself up about it. You can practice away from your instrument, mentally, You can listen to a metronome in your headphones and look at your part on the bus. Commutes can be little breaks, they can be helpful.
As far as big breaks go, I used to just think you only needed a week off and that would be fine, but when you feel burnout there is nothing else you can do but let your body work through it. Be the vegetable your body is telling you to be, watch TV for 8 hours a day, whatever you need to do! A couple months into covid I was burnt out pretty bad, I took 2.5 weeks off and I let myself do whatever I wanted. The only touching of my instrument I did during that time was to teach my students, and eventually I started playing along to pop songs, I found that helpful. I didn’t intend to take another break after that but I did. You have to give yourself permission to do life things.
Be realistic, you can’t push yourself 24/7- or find a place to practice in an airport every time. That’s not life, I don’t think that’s the way to live. Be honest with yourself if you are going through a hard time
I wasn’t that great about practicing this year to be honest. My grandfather passed away, I had some emotional problems back at home. I went home for five weeks- it is not a healthy living situation. I didn’t practice for like four of them! I didn’t intend to do that, I didn’t want to, but sometimes that happens. If you forget about your mental health because you get caught up in work, it will hit you like a brick, and then you won’t be able to work. When the school year ended, I just took almost 2 months off, burnout was very real… it was the longest I had ever gone without practicing. During that time I needed to reevaluate my relationship with my instrument, with music. Breaks give you time to answer those existential questions of what is art, what is music, why am I doing these things.
For anyone who is on a break, try a mental exercise called “Find Your Why”. Write down things you do, how you do them, and why you do them. Make it an indented bulleted list. When I did that, I thought wow, playing my instrument does not have anything to do with my professors! I got to see all these reasons why music is so exciting and important in my life.
Breaks allow you to have interesting conversations. I had a conversation with a friend where I was finally getting back to practicing and I was saying, “Why is orchestral music so hard?!” and he said, “It is almost like a skill you need to develop over time!” *Laughs* And that is why you practice, and do what you do. Those in between moments on breaks is when you have those conversations where you get the compliments to keep you going when things get hard. You talk to people and they say, wow, you are really dedicated to your craft.
Sport stars go through very similar things. Naomi Osaka, the tennis player, pulled out of a tournament recently due to mental health reasons, and the media went nuts! Like wow, it is almost like we push our entertainers who take hours and hours of training a day, to breaking points. Not everyone knows how to do that…. It is a really beautiful part of you, and a skill to do that kind of work. Not a lot of people have that, we are just constantly surrounded by a bunch of people who do that at a high level and so we are like, ahh oh my god! That’s what breaks are for- breaks are normal, they are natural, we are not made to work literally every day, all the time.
Hannah: I didn’t practice yesterday, when I got back from a trip, because I was so busy catching up on work. My summer classes take up so much more time than I ever expected. I am taking a test every day because they are accelerated courses and it can be so hard finding enough time to practice. Besides, I put so much pressure on myself. I just had my first in person lesson for the summer, and my technique is behind, and I was told not to blame myself because having an entire year of Zoom lessons, never in person, was bound to impact my technique to some degree.
Them: Yeah, after my sophomore year, I had a rule that it doesn’t matter how long I touch my instrument every day, but I will pick it up, even if it means ticking it off like a workout.
Hannah: Yeah, I just have tried to not beat myself up too much and give myself credit that I am trying my best. Plus, I tell myself it is summer, and I definitely do not have the time to go on trips with friends during the school year, when I am practicing, tackling two degrees, and working jobs.
Them: Junior year gets hard too, because the work gets more time intensive. So the summer before, l learned more about work/life balance, and focused on technique to make my school year practice more efficient.
Hannah: I am just trying not to feel so guilty about that. So many musicians will try to set a number, and claim, this is the number of hours in a practice room you must attain or you are not working hard enough. So I always have that voice in the back of my head, saying I am not working hard enough. But, I truly know, by this point I can’t burn the candle at both ends. All work and no play makes Jack a very dull boy… and a very exhausted one at that!
Them: For sure! I think so many people also underestimate how much you can just get done in an hour of technique work a day. Technique is like taking a vitamin for yourself!
You have the school years to learn repertoire, so really focus on the nuts and bolts over the summer, and it can be extremely beneficial. Focus on the technique, and then focus on doing you.
Hannah: It is hard to not beat myself up or tell myself I am not working hard enough, but I am a human! If I want to watch a movie, or a couple of TV shows, I am allowed to do that! Or else, I will get so burnt out. It isn’t about other people’s views, it is about working for myself. I don’t want to rush through life, I do not need to decide my future right now, even if graduation ever becomes like an ominous shadow creeping up on me.
Them: Follow what brings you an immense amount of joy, and you let that take you somewhere cool and exciting. It is not on you either if your teachers ever get burnt out.
Hannah: I also need to get over the fact that I am not necessarily going to get validation from all the people I want. It really has to come from myself, and sometimes, I have to learn to move on.
Them: If the people most close and important to you in your life are proud, that is all you need. You do things because you want to do them, and you honestly do better and learn better. You can stop accommodating yourself for other people, and start accommodating your life for what you need it to be.
So, I guess it is about time we all break out of our cocoons. We have work to do for ourselves.
Performing well 