A Short Guide to Supporting Someone with a Mental Health Problem

Carpe diem is not my motto. I mean, I literally have generalized anxiety disorder. Sure, I will “seize the day”… but after I have taken an appropriate amount of time to plan, write my pros and cons lists, study possible scenarios, and check my to-do lists, weather forecasts, and my emotional thoughts.

It can be hard then, having a relationship with me. I find spontaneous outings a bit challenging, and sometimes, I admit I will cancel plans I was previously excited for because my anxious thoughts get too loud, and the combination of my safe warm bed and Netflix on a Friday night becomes more enticing. 

Yet, talking to my closest friends and significant other- what is it that they have learned to be the most accurate in regards to any of my mental health struggles? That support and solutions are VERY different. 

Bob the Builder!

Can we fix it?

Bob the Builder!

* No we can’t! *

Bob the Builder standing with the words, “Can we fix it? No we can’t!”

When you have a friend, family member, or partner with a mental illness, there always seems to be the trap you can fall in of assuming they need to be “fixed”. However, that is NOT your responsibility. Your role is to support them. 

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How to properly support a loved one with a mental illness has been weighing on my mind a lot lately. How can I best support someone without taking on too much responsibility that it could be too overwhelming for my own mental health? 

So, after gathering my thoughts, thinking about my own experiences and anecdotes, and doing some intense Googling, I have gathered somewhat of a guide for you all.

Listen and Learn

Firstly, understand that not everyone can be supported in the same way. Easiest solution? Talk. To. Them.

Seriously listen. This is not “A Short Guide” cop out.

Avoid confrontation- that is not going to make someone want to open up. Listen without judgement and find out what they are comfortable with. Are they comfortable answering questions? Telling you about their symptoms or triggers? For supporting a performing artist especially, no amount of internet research could ever give you as much insight as talking to them. Mental illness mixing with the unique challenges of being a performing artist are much too individual to read about online. 

Ask them about what would help them, and focus on what their needs are in that present moment. 

Educate Yourself

Then, educate yourself. Educate yourself on their mental health disorder. I know my above statements might seem like I give internet research a bad rap, but I encourage it when combined with listening to your loved one. 

For instance, if they have Panic Disorder, you should probably take the time to learn how panic attacks are not the same as anxiety attacks to better your relationship with them. 

Any pieces you can’t find online, ask your loved one to fill in the missing details. Yet, while you can guide your loved one towards resources, it is not helpful to make their mental health all about personal choice or willpower. Telling them to go to therapy or get prescribed medications to make everything better again, or that they need to try harder, is simply ineffective. Would you tell someone with a broken leg that they could walk fine if they just tried harder? No (at least I really hope not…). 

Plus, they don’t need to “earn your empathy”. It is no one’s job to tell them their mental health struggles are not “bad enough”- because that will never, ever be a true statement.

I waited a long while to reach out for help because I convinced myself my mental health struggles were not “bad enough”, or others had it worse. Please, I implore you to not do that. If you struggle to any degree, you deserve to feel better. 

Support Not Solve

As aforementioned, once you do have some understanding of their struggles- do not try to fix them. What has been helpful in my relationships is when I am asked, “Do you want comfort or solutions?” Sometimes it can be hard to tell when their thoughts are being more or less influenced by their mental health disorder. You can never assume. It is very important to recognize your loved one has thoughts and feelings unrelated to their illness- that can include realistic complaints! Don’t just automatically assign their feelings and thoughts to their mental illness. Listen and reflect on what your loved one has to say. Attributing all of their behaviors to their mental illness will inevitably push them away, harm their trust in you, and make them feel embarrassed or impotent. 

They are not their mental illness. Someone does not suddenly become a different person when they get the flu. Mental health disorders are illnesses too- it does not make someone inwardly a completely different person, though it may alter their behavior. Please use person-first language. 

Hey there, Diane

Hell, let them name their mental illness(es). Mine’s name is Diane. My apologies to those who are also named Diane- it is not personal. 

Naming my mental illness has been a saving grace. My motto may not be “Carpe Diem”, but recently it has been “Be the Main Character”. Trust me when I say this, naming my mental illnesses makes me feel like a main character. Diane is the antagonist to my protagonist (or maybe antihero, I am still working on the heroic attributes). Diane is the Lord Voldemort to my Harry Potter (I am more like Hermione Granger, but let’s just leave the analogy alone for simplicity’s sake). Mental illness is not the defining feature for the main character. It is not a personality trait. If some fifth grader out there was writing a book report on the story of my life, I would want my mental illnesses to be listed as antagonists, not as bullet points under the “Main Character Description” section.  

Take Care of Yourself

Next, don’t ignore your own mental health needs! Supporting someone with a mental illness can place a lot of emphasis on caring for them. However, that does not mean you slack off on your own care. Establish boundaries and your own needs with your loved one. You cannot fully support your loved one if you are not well. When you both receive the support and love you need and deserve, your relationship will strengthen.  

Make the time to practice self-care. As performing artists, we all understand burnout. Personally, the burnout got even more real for me during the pandemic. Supporting a loved one can be draining, just like the ceaseless marathon of performing arts can be. Do things you enjoy and consider chatting with your own therapist. No one is asking or forcing you to cope alone. Plus, if it gets too heavy, setting limits to the support you can provide is not rejecting a loved one or being selfish. It is not your responsibility to be someone’s therapist. 

We can do this

If you have made it this far down this blog post- congratulations. YOU are doing a great job at supporting your loved ones. Breathe and take it one step at a time. We can do this. 

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References:

How to support someone with a mental health problem. Mental Health Foundation. (2020, November 13). https://www.mentalhealth.org.uk/publications/supporting-someone-mental-health-problem.

Miller, K. (2018, June 15). ‘Get Help’ Doesn’t Cut It-How to Actually Help a Friend Dealing With Mental Illness. SELF. https://www.self.com/story/how-to-actually-help-friend-mental-illness.

Personal Stories. NAMI. (n.d.). https://www.nami.org/Personal-Stories/How-To-Love-Someone-With-A-Mental-Illness.